February 24, 2005

This just in. Saw this on a news site that shall remain nameless.

Tholin, NC (AP) – After a rash of anger crimes spreading across the whole of Shelding County, police have finally managed to capture the perpetrator of the infamous Deprivation Murders.

Sgt. Jack Barrister said, “We were tipped off by the local YMCA when they called 911. Apparently a man in the third lane of the swimming pool fell asleep during his daily exercise and would have drowned had it not been for the quick thinking of local life guard Ron Carter.”

Upon investigation at suspicious comments made by the drowning man as he was regaining consciousness, police were able to link the individual (whose identity has not yet be released to the public) to the Deprivation Murders.

“We got lucky,” another office, Cpl. Deegan Muerte said, “this guy hadn’t slept in months, and his crimes were so random because there was no real motive behind it. He just couldn’t contain his patience and temper anymore and would snap. But it had been so long since he slept he fell asleep working out and we were able to nab him.”

The alleged perpetrator is safely behind bars now. In a phone interview with the press, in which his identity was masked through voice disguise, the accused said, “Yeah, I finally just reached a point where I had no energy left to get angry from not sleeping. It just didn’t do it anymore. I decided to go back to doing what I’d been doing before all of this happened and just live with whatever happened. My luck I fell asleep.”

No trial date has yet been established, bond was set at $1.